I’m Tired – Kitsap Lifestyle & Documentary Family Photographer

I used to write.  I used to love writing.  However, about 2.5 years ago I started this little website which moved me from writing for myself, for the sheer joy of it, to writing for an audience that I hoped would find me likable, successful, and professional. As a result, I watered down my written voice to make everything sound polished and approachable.  The joy I found in writing ended up being collateral damage.

Eventually, the professional writing became a crutch, a security blanket I was easily able to hide behind.  After all, if you only put “safe” stuff out there and you carefully curate your image you don’t risk much.  However, you also hold people at bay and prevent anyone from actually connecting with you.  And now I’m tired.  I’m tired of playing the fake it until you make it game.  I’m tired of pretending to have it all together. (I’m not sure I was that good at it anyway.) I’m tired of procrastinating blog post writing because I feel like I need to write about things like, how “delicious” the light was for a session or how I wanted swoon over a beach sunset.  I like pretty light and sunsets just as much as the next girl with an expensive camera but, seriously, I don’t think I have even managed to use the word “swoon” as an exclamation without vomiting in my mouth a little and then dropping a couple of f-bombs to restore balance to the universe.  Well, at least not since graduating high school.

So this post is my attempt to begin the process of reclaiming my writing.  I’m saying it all out loud to hold myself accountable to more honest here.

Things might get more snarky.  There might be some less than “professional” language at times.  And the stiff upper lip I’m used to keeping firmly in place might soften here and there.  But it will be honest at least.  And that’s where this ship needs to be steered.

So let’s start pulling down the facade with this.

I struggle.

I struggle to get out of my pajamas before noon and I struggle to let my head hit the pillow before 2:30 or 3AM on most days.

I struggle to balance running a home and a business.  I’ve never been particularly good at time management and I often get obsessive when faced with technical issues that may or may not actually be within my capacity to accomplish.  (Install a second copy of WordPress to an add on URL with my hosting service?  Pffffft.  That should be simple enough, right?)  At any given time something is being completely neglected.  Right now it’s my house which is starting to resemble the Havisham estate.

I struggle with my work.  Now, let me clarify; I am fully aware of my competence with a camera, but what no one explains you when you start an endeavor like this is that your ambitions climb the mountain at an exponentially faster rate than your skills.  Before you can even relish the fact that you are networking with people who you once saw as “out of your league”, your personal bar has been raised and you are only focusing on how you can match the success of someone else.  And, make no mistake, there is always a someone else.

There is a reason so many artists talk about “the journey”.  I mean it sounds like a lot of fluff B.S., right?  Well, turns out, it’s a euphemism for this little road trip toward becoming an artist never ends, not until you give up or die.  And yes, sometimes this road trip will lead you through incredible places that will make you feel like all is truly right in the world.  And those moments are so spectacular and earth shaking that they make all the crap fall away. But you will also find yourself on stretches of road in the middle of nowhere, with no gas station or rest stop in sight, so far from everything that you can’t even pick up a decent radio station.  Basically, it’s like driving through a good portion of Nebraska.  (Raise your hand if you have ever experienced that, cause I have.)  And those stretches are scary and lonely and they suck.  A lot.

Also, I’ll struggle to hit ‘publish’ on this post because it sounds whiny and might make me seem weak and OMG what will people think?

Winter is always a bit rough for me with regards to photography, which is one of the reasons I switch gears and focus on the business end of things for a couple months.  I mean, the weather is crap, I might have an hour of daylight left after I pick up my son from afternoon preschool and I’m supposed to be dying to pick up my camera?  Nope.

Well, that’s a lie.  Right now, I am dying to pick it up.  I’m just sick of looking at the same surroundings.  And I want my work to be better than what it is right now.  And maybe I need to take another workshop to bust me out of this rut?  And maybe I just need to get out of town for a bit (like that’s even a viable possibility)? And it’s all making me frustrated.

This winter has been harder than most and I can’t quite pin point why, but it likely has something to do with the completely insane schedule our family has kept over the past 2 months and the uncommonly long to-do list I’m still fighting my way out from under.

But here’s the deal.  I’ve noticed if I’m stuck, then that usually means someone else is stuck too.  But I can only commiserate with them if I admit to the fact that we are stuck in the same place.  So, friends with the winter blues, I’d like to buy you a virtual round of drinks so that we can do a bit of kvetching.  Together, we can ride this thing out until spring, right?